Gauteng – Police Minister Bheki Cele has implored President Ramaphosa to fast track the development of Coronavirus detection kits to be able to detect whether people have recently been kissed.

“I’ve always said that lockdown means lockdown. Social distancing must extend to the bedroom too, for maximum effectiveness. No kissing, nothing. Even for Level 3.”

Cele’s hope is that coronavirus test kits would in time be able to detect traces of foreign saliva in recipients’ mouths. “But even if there is no French kissing, our tests should be able to check if lips have actually touched or not. Even traces of lipstick left on men’s lips, anything. Nothing must escape our attention.”

The Minister hasn’t ruled out the possibility of other measures to curb the spread of private kissing. “As you know, Zam-buk is very popular in the townships as a lipbalm. I’m in discussions to see whether a new version may be introduced with a bitter gourd flavour so that people won’t want to kiss you.”And beyond that, other things are on the Police Minister’s radar too. “Why during the lockdown must DSTV continue to show romantic films, where people are shown always together and getting ready for the bedroom? The time for hanky-panky is over. I’d much prefer if movies where people are lost or not with others are shown. Home Alone 2? This is what our people should be watching.” – THE LOCKDOWN REPORT

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Verashni is passionate about empowering citizens to hold those in power to account. She was previously editor-in-chief of the Mail & Guardian and HuffPost South Africa, and won the CNN African Journalism Award, among others.